"What was the biggest change brought about by your illness" asked Sydney Caswell, our minister’s wife. My response was "priorities". So many things change and are out of your control with an illness. You feel very helpless. Some people become ultra-controlling over things they can change while others develop a greater security and come to more peace. For me, initially, I was a basket case. Imagine in one day your entire life changes. You can no longer bathe yourself, eat what you want to eat, you can’t drive, you’re alone all day, you can’t be around people, you’re in pain, your hair is gone, your breast is gone, your finances are being depleted, you look horrible, and you live daily thinking about having a terminal form of cancer. This changes your marriage, your interactions, your finances - it changes every day to come in the future. At first, I cried all the time, I panicked, I called people and sobbed. There is real grief in losing so much freedom. But slowly, God taught me things, and I learned to accept more.
Sue Misch (a dear friend who also has terminal cancer) often called me to remind me to think of the scripture be still and know that I am God. She challenged me on my feelings of unfairness when I felt I was being cheated out of years of life. "Where in the Bible does it even promise you tomorrow?" she asked. She even challenged me when I was being self-piteous. At first during this illness, I would just lay in bed wishing I could die. I thought the suffering wasn’t worth it. But there have been many good things come from it now, I no longer wish I didn’t have cancer. God has changed me in so many ways.
Some of my priorities have changed because of the illness; I stopped wearing makeup, because it took too much energy to put it on. I gave a lot of things away to simplify my life. We reprioritized our finances, thinking of things to sell, giving up the Sunday paper, no cable, selling things on E-bay. We prioritized our marriage, and when I was the sickest, Randy was beside me, and his coworkers blessedly understood.
Other priorities changed because, frankly, they weren’t that important. I care much less about what people think. I go everywhere without makeup, without nice clothes, and people stare at me, but it doesn’t matter. I can walk up to people and simply talk to them – because I have no hidden agenda, I am stripped down and defenseless, I am no threat to anyone.
My practical priorities are different – my house is dirtier, my dishes sit longer in the sink, my clothes are laundered when I have the energy. People come to my house and I don’t apologize a thousand times for the way the place looks. My relationships are more important and are deeper than they have ever been. If I am sick all day, the least I do is try to call someone and encourage them and help them appreciate their life.
My husband and I have changed our perspective on the future. Our goals are closer now, no more waiting for retirement. We make the most of each moment together; there are fewer differences, more forgiveness, more tears, and more laughter. We take nothing for granted, knowing each day is a gift. Instead of praying, "God, tomorrow please be with me". We pray, "God, if you give us another day tomorrow, please help me to be with you".
I believe God gives us all challenges throughout our life, and they are not without reason. God is a God of order, not of chaos, and I believe he has an intricate plan for my life and yours. I’ve met so many people with cancer and some interpret cancer as a curse or a punishment. They believe they are being reprimanded for past sins, or for crimes they have committed. Some think they have simply been forgotten by God. I initially had feelings like these, but the Bible is quite clear about how God works. (Romans 8:28)
Illness Changes Relationships
One of the greatest outcomes of my cancer has been the healing of some relationships in my family. I come from a family with several substance abusers, myself included. We have all been people characterized by sarcasm, criticism and arguments. My parents were not taught to be loving or nurturing, so none of us kids were very good at it either. There were constant fights between us. But a funny thing happened when I got cancer, some differences were placed aside, and more discussions began. There it was a beginning of unification to help someone in the family who was sick. My brother flew out from San Diego to be with me and we had some incredible conversations, apologies, healing and prayer. Then my sister came from Nevada, and we had the same connection. It is curious how an illness so serious can refocus people in their own lives and their own priorities. My father is coming in October and I am looking forward to mending my relationship more with him.
My perspective of God has changed so much. I came from thinking I was cursed to realizing God is using this cancer to change me, and to heal wounds. Now I say in response to trials, you can get better or you can get bitter, it is our choice. If we use the hardships as God intends, we can be molded into the one you say we want to be like – Christ. We say we want to be loving, to be more giving, to be like Jesus, but if we don’t go through the same things he did – how can we? We resist the pain, we resist the challenges, we cower and we covet – but if we look at what God is trying to do – it is all to help us.
I have prayed a very serious prayer for many years, one that scares a lot of people, but it’s very important to me. Many years ago I began praying God would put me through "whatever it takes" to get me to heaven. I decided the most important thing to me was not this life, but life after this life. Being separated from God is the worst thing that could ever happen and so I asked God to do whatever it takes in this life, to get me to the next. When I got cancer, I immediately thought, "YIKES, what in the world did I do?" But God does not make mistakes. Obviously, I needed this challenge with His help. The Bible says that God disciplines those He loves, and if you receive no discipline, you would be considered unloved and illegitimate. (Hebrews 12)
Illness Changes Perspectives
My perspective on God has changed radically through this cancer. Whether I have 3 years or 10 years to live, I know God is helping me to be useful. I am more useful with this cancer than without it. I used to be consumed by fear, and now I’m not. I used to be afraid to share my faith with people for fear of rejection, but now I don’t fear that anymore. I used to be locked in the bathroom for 2 hours each day getting my hair and makeup together, and now I need about 10 minutes to brush my teeth and put clothes on. These things are a gift from God. Sometimes we think we have to be prettier to be loved, or we have to speak more eloquently to share with others, or we have to be more spiritual to be accepted but none of those are true. God loves you where you are, whatever skills you have or don’t have, with what illness you have or don’t have, with your face, with your hair, with your skin, your voice, your body, and your heart.
Above all things, I believe God wants to be the one to give us joy. We get hung up in alcohol, sex, smoking, drugs, shopping, gambling. We are trying to find love in all the wrong places, searching for the acceptance and happiness we long for. But God is always there to fill us up; we just have to turn to him. Imagine being a parent and your child gets hurt and won’t come to you. He cries but won’t let you comfort him. Maybe that’s how God feels when we turn to everything but him for love. He is the great parent, wanting to give us the unconditional love we need, the challenges we need to grow, the discipline to help us mature; all the things we’ve ever really needed. How much more peace we would have if we accept the good and bad God gives us, to simply face daily struggles and stretch ourselves into being the people he wants us to be.
NO FEAR OF BAD NEWS