Trust. Such a lot packed into those five letters. The word makes me nervous! It means stretching, vulnerability, authenticity, stepping away from the edge, believing in something I can’t see and blind faith. It means letting myself be hurt. It doesn’t give me 100% guarantee.
Unsurprisingly, trust is a great area of struggle for me. In fellowship, and in passing, I hear myself saying things like, “God is in control” or “I’m sure things will be fine” in response to my cancer situation. Sometimes I say this to comfort others. Sometimes I say it to comfort myself. But do I really believe those things – deep down in my soul? What if you ran into me in fellowship, asked me how I was doing, and I said this:
“I’m worried that my cancer will come back tomorrow and I will suffer. I’m afraid I won’t be here for the people I love or I’ll be a burden. I’m concerned since all my healthcare burdens fall on my husband. I’m sick at heart because I can’t have children. I’m scared that I won’t have enough money to pay my medical bills. I’m sad and miss my friends who have left the church and wonder if they are staying close to God. I hurt over people in our church who still have unresolved issues and continue to mourn over past hurts. I feel ugly and deformed from all my surgeries and wonder if I’ll ever feel attractive again. I want to always feel safe, secure and loved, but I don’t.”
Did I say I think I have some trust issues? You see what I mean. How about you?
Something I was thinking about today is how you can’t have a good relationship with someone without trust. You can’t say, “I like you, I want to spend time with you and invest in this relationship” and then say, “but I don’t trust you”. That relationship is doomed if the trust factor doesn’t change – plain and simple. What about my relationship with God, though? Can I tell God, “I don’t really trust you” and expect my relationship with Him to be good? Probably not any better than it would be telling a friend the same thing. So what do I do about it?
Some of Tom’s points to his sermon helped me. Faith and Trust work together. You can believe, but that doesn’t mean that you trust. We often want less painful tests than the ones God gives us – but if they weren’t painful, would we learn anything? Trust has its roots in obedience – what does that say about my relationship with my Heavenly Father? Trust means we demonstrate Faith – we put it into action. We give control to God when we trust Him. A life of trusting God is free of fear and doubt. It’s a life filled with peace, joy, and seeing God do amazing things every day. Wow! Talk about a year’s worth of quite times in just one sermon!
My prayer today:
“Father, as we enter into a series on repentance, help me to repent of my lack of trust. Help me to give over to you all my hurts, my burdens, my pain, and my fear. You indeed are in control, whether I trust it or not. I cope with past hurts by imagining I have control over my life, but it’s really an illusion. I know that you have the hairs of my head counted (even when I don’t have any hair on my head), and that you know the number of days of my life. Help me to give up my independence and fall into your arms of safety. Men may hurt me, betray me and break my heart, but you never will. Truly there is no one who can save me from my illness, my pain, my sorrow and trouble, except you. Help me to feel your arms around me today and to fully accept your comfort. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Feel free to e-mail Michelle your thoughts at mdiekmeyer@fuse.net