Cincinnati Church of Christ: Good News You Can Use!
CHRISTIAN DATING AND MARRIAGE
By Tom and Sydney Caswell
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people
belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you
out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people,
but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but
now you have received mercy. Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and
strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against
your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they
accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and
glorify God on the day he visits us. [1Pe 2:9-12 NIV]
There is God's Kingdom and the Kingdom of this world. There are only two Kingdoms. Two places we can be. i.e.: We can only be a citizen of one of these Kingdoms…God's or Satan's. When baptized the person confesses "Jesus is Lord" making Jesus their master, Lord, ruler. It's at this time that you leave the one kingdom and enter the other: (from darkness to light; unsaved to saved; not a people of God to being a people of God).
Now, we can believe this (and we hope you all do), but only give it lip service and not really live this out in our lives. Intentionally or unintentionally, many of us blend the two kingdoms, or at least try to. This worldly kingdom always tries to encroach upon the Kingdom of God; upon the individual Christian himself. (The book "Set Apart" by Hughes is all about this topic) Why do we bring this up? Because in this era of "Freedom in Christ" many have questioned what we believe/practice when it comes to different issues. Where do we stand?
Well, as disciples of Jesus Christ we stand on God's word. That we be like the Berean's, who…"were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the scripture every day to see if what Paul said was true." [Acts 17:11 NIV]
We can't tell you what to believe. You'll have to come to that conviction on your own. However, we can tell you what we believe as the leadership of the Cincinnati Church, and what the other leaders also believe, and where the church stands on certain issues.
Let's talk about one of those issues we've been getting a lot of questions about, Christian Dating and Marriage, and how it relates to God's kingdom and the world's.
In Jewish practice and 1st century culture (within the church) dating as we know it was not practiced, so the Bible does not specifically address it. However, as in virtually every area of life, the Bible does give us basic guidelines that have direct application to this practice of dating, even in our generation, as well as in marriage.
1. Let's look as some Old Testament Principles
Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed
him in every way. He said to the chief servant in his household, the one
in charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh. I want you
to swear by the LORD,the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you
will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites,
among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives
and get a wife for my son Isaac.” [Ge 24:1-4 NIV]
This was a conversation between Abraham and the manager of his household. Following this same pattern, Isaac commands his son Jacob not to marry outside of his people.
So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed him and commanded him: “Do not marry a
Canaanite woman. Go at once to Paddan Aram, to the house of your mother's
father Bethuel. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of
Laban, your mother's brother. May God Almighty bless you and make you
fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples.
May he give you and your descendants the blessing given to Abraham, so that
you may take possession of the land where you now live as an alien, the land
God gave to Abraham.” Then Isaac sent Jacob on his way, and he went to
Paddan Aram, to Laban son of Bethuel the Aramean, the brother of Rebekah,
who was the mother of Jacob and Esau. Now Esau learned that Isaac had blessed
Jacob and had sent him to Paddan Aram to take a wife from there, and that
when he blessed him he commanded him, “Do not marry a Canaanite woman,” and
that Jacob had obeyed his father and mother and had gone to Paddan Aram.
Esau then realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father
Isaac; so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, the sister of Nebaioth
and daughter of Ishmael son of Abraham, in addition to the
wives he already had. [Ge 28:1-9 NIV]
We see Esau going to displease his father. And how did he do this? By marrying from among the Canaanites. This brought immense grief to his parents, and was also a source of great conflict in his own life.
Progressing through the history of God's people, we see the same principle during the rebuilding of Jerusalem under the leadership of both Ezra and Nehemiah. In confessing their sins before the Lord, Ezra says:
Then Shecaniah son of Jehiel, one of the descendants of Elam, said to Ezra,
“We have been unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women from the
peoples around us. But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel.
Now let us make a covenant before our God to send away all these women
and their children, in accordance with the counsel of my lord and of
those who fear the commands of our God. Let it be done according to
the Law. Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you,
so take courage and do it.” [Ezr 10:2-4 NIV]
Then Ezra the priest stood up and said to them, “You have been unfaithful;
you have married foreign women, adding to Israel's guilt. Now make
confession to the LORD, the God of your fathers, and do his will.
Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your
foreign wives.” The whole assembly responded with a loud voice:
“You are right! We must do as you say. [Ezr 10:10-12 NIV]
Consider the human agony in this proclamation: men being separated from their wives and children. Yet, that was how serious God was about the need for his people to be holy - SEPARATE FROM THE WORLD! Here we see God's convictions! He doesn't play around when it comes to his kingdom and the kingdom of this world. That's why James says:
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the
world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend
of the world becomes an enemy of God. [Jas 4:4 NIV]
God is radically serious when it comes to his kingdom mixing with the world! Fourteen years after Artaxerxes authorized Ezra to lead a 2nd group of exiles back to Jerusalem, Nehemiah hears a report about the tragic conditions in Jerusalem, and the king appoints him to go to Jerusalem as temporary governor to help Ezra. Nehemiah is there for 11 years, leaves, and after some time returns again to Jerusalem to discover that the people have once again fallen in to sin:
- neglecting the temple
- violating the Sabbath
- neglecting the temple offerings
- marrying foreign wives.
Among his reforms, the Israelites set down a binding agreement:
"We promise not to give our daughters in marriage to the peoples
around us or to take their daughters for our sons." Neh 10:30
Later, when Nehemiah became aware of specific cases of intermarriage, he said:
Moreover, in those days I saw men of Judah who had married women from Ashdod,
Ammon and Moab. Half of their children spoke the language of Ashdod or the
language of one of the other peoples, and did not know how to speak the
language of Judah. I rebuked them and called curses down on them. I beat
some of the men and pulled out their hair. I made them take an oath in God's
name and said: “You are not to give your daughters in marriage to their sons,
nor are you to take their daughters in marriage for your sons or for
yourselves. Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king
of Israel sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He
was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he
was led into sin by foreign women. Must we hear now that you too are doing
all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our
God by marrying foreign women?” [Ne 13:23-27 NIV]
Nehemiah, calls this practice of marrying foreigners a "terrible wickedness" and "unfaithful to God." Even in righteous anger he resorts to physical violence to show these men the sinfulness of their practices. As with every other command of God, God gives it not to restrict us, but to protect us from a life ruining decision.
When we marry, we make a lifetime commitment. God makes that clear in his feelings about divorce:
"I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel." [Mal 2:16 NIV]
Through the Old Testament we see quite clearly how God feels about marriage and his people being separate from the world.
2. Now let's look at the New Testament.
Over and over in the New Testament, we are called to be holy. Holiness in this context means separation from the world. As Christians/disciples/God's sons and daughters/God's chosen people, we have a different standard that governs all of our relationships. Especially that of marriage!
Consider Paul's direction to widows:
"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if
her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes,
but he must belong to the Lord. [1 Cor 7:39]
(i.e.: be a disciple, Christian)
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a
life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as
a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must
not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity,
or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.
Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking,
which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this
you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man
is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and
of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of
such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient.
Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness,
but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for
the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and
truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with
the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is
shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything
exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes
everything visible. This is why it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise
from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Be very careful, then,
how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every
opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish,
but understand what the Lord's will is. [Ep 5:1-17 NIV]
This calls us to be morally distinct from the world. In our dating as disciples there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity.
Let's look closer at vs. 7. "Therefore do not be partners with them." The Greek word for partner means companion or joint partaker. This would apply to anyone living in darkness - even a religious, non-disciple (a good person in the world's eyes.) Christians, as objects of God's love (vs 1-2) are inconsistent if they become partners with those who are not in his kingdom! (Remember there are only two kingdoms.) Our goal is to "find out what pleases the Lord," and live that way.
Consider 2 Co 6:14-18
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness
and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with
darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does
a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there
between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the
living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among
them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore
come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean
thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you
will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” [2 Co 6:14-18 NIV]
Other translations of vs. 14 are:
- "Do not enter into inconsistent relations with those who reject the faith."
- "Avoid unsuitable connections with unbelievers."
- "Stop forming intimate and inconsistent relations with unbelievers."
The context with which Paul is writing is not necessarily dating/marriage but most likely dealing with false apostles who were vying for the affections and allegiance of the Corinthian disciples (2 Cor 11). The solution was for the Corinthian disciples to separate from the false apostles, not to be yoked together with them. This applies to any relationships The Greek word for "yoked together" is found only here in the New Testament.
In the Septuagint (the Greek OT) the word/term is used against breeding cattle with a different species of animal (Lev 19). Also placing animals of a different species in the same harness (yoke) (Deut 22) i.e. there is a vast difference between the Christian and the non-Christian: An incompatibility between the two. The statement, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers" is followed by a series of rhetorical questions which show the incompatibility between believers and non-believers, the vast difference between God's Kingdom and the kingdom of this world:
What do
- righteousness and wickedness…
- Light and darkness…
- Christ and Belial…
- Believer and unbeliever…
- The Temple of God and idols…
…have in common
ANSWER TO ALL THESE: absolutely nothing!!
This principle applies to false apostles, marriage and any other relationship that joins Christians to non-Christians.
Q: What does a Christian man have in common with a non-Christian woman?
Q: What does a Christian woman have in common with a non-Christian man?
Q: How do you reconcile a dating relationship with a non-Christian to the command, "come out from them and be separate?"
A: WE CAN'T
It's pretty clear throughout the scriptures Christians are to marry Christians. And if dating proceeds marriage, then it would only make spiritual sense that Christians are to date Christians.
Conclusion:
Some have declared "Freedom in Christ" as a license to do whatever they wish, even go against the scriptures. Going against the scriptures has nothing to do with freedom in Christ. It's sin. "In Christ" means in line with the scriptures.
Because of these scriptures we've looked at here, and others, the leadership and we believe that Christians dating non-Christians is unbiblical, wrong, and foolish. It will not be condoned or supported by this church. And if a disciple wants to marry a non-Christian then they need to make a choice between that person and being a member of the Cincinnati Church of Christ.
Study these things out on your own and we're confident you will come to the same convictions. Remember Peter 2:9-12. Let's not just give this lip service, let's live this kind of life so that we may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
Amen.
|